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Monday, January 14th, 2008
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11:11 am - This journal is now CLOSED.
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When I first started this LJ in what seems like another lifetime, the hope that surrounded this particular area of the internets for me was a safe place.
Not so much anymore. It's like an emotional minefield these days. "Which memory is going to take out which part of me today?" That sort of thing.
So now this journal is left for me to know who I was then and to remember a life that never was. The life that journal was started in ended long ago, it just doesn't seem right to keep adding to it.
Because the future isn't all bad news...
As I've started anew. A chance for a bit of a fresh start. And all are welcome and even encouraged to come.
http://holidayrob.livejournal.com/profile
Thus ends "Chapter I" of this part of the journey. Look out for "Chapter II."
current mood: accomplished
current music: Gogol Bordello
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
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7:38 pm - ...
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| Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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10:09 pm - Man, shit got all fucked up!
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So I kept my lie, like you kept yours. Don't think I always didn't feel bad about it. Don't think I didn't learn anything from it. And I kept my lie from you. Even when it was clear I had lied I kept on lying. I kept it because letting you know would have killed everything. But it's been dead for awhile I guess. Because you kept yours. You held onto your lie and let me live in a world where I thought I could make it better. Giving someone false hope is so cruel. I mean that matter-of-factly. I did the same.
So I held onto my secret, because I knew later on it would do no good for us, when I thought there still was a chance for "us." But now it's my parting gift, my secret. Now you can live completely justified in your decisions and how it all turned out. Because as far as I'm conerned, we're even.
Everything's square.
Now go running to him like you ran to me crying your eyes out looking for that warm friendly shoulder to bawl on.
Either way, now we both know I'm not the only liar.
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6:54 pm - my teenage angst...
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"One day, you said, breathing would come easy. That one day, you said, I'd reconcile."
- "Breathing Won't Come Easy" by Choke
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| Sunday, September 2nd, 2007
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2:29 pm - Old memories, Texas is Odd and Saltwater Taffy Rocks!
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For whatever reason this morning I was thinking about Maria and Tiffany. Two sisters. I met Maria, I guess, during my sophmore year of high school. I was totally infatuated with her. I tried to get her to hang out with me. But we didn't really get along and in fact were at some point completely at odds with each other. Eventually, thanks to her mother, we put our differences aside and I think for awhile tolerated each other. Meanwhile, Tiffany her younger sister had a pretty big crush on me. And I liked her. She was a cutie and smart. I'd say we got pretty close. We never really dated because I think always in the back of her mind she thought or knew I was probably mostly around because of Maria. That wasn't necessarily always the case. I just liked being around all three of them, Maria, Tiffany and their mom. Once they could trust you, they were very warm to you. At that time my family felt like it was falling apart, so it was good to be a part of their little clan. Plus, Maria at the time was becoming good friends with my good friend and fellow musician, Sheena the Canadian. I don't think Tiff believed me when I said I was into her. But truthfully, at the time, I'm sure I wasn't looking at getting into anything that was too serious. I had just spent a year and half in something that was crazy and difficult. So the idea of "us" never got a fair shot. I'm also sure I came off as an indifferent jerk. I'm pretty good at that.
But I remained friends with Maria for years, even getting the title of uncle for her then not yet born son. I wish I kept in better touch with those two. I'll have to see if I have an email addy.
+ + + + +
Gary and I made a day trip to Amarillo to play in the sun without any water around. The whole event we played at was awash in sports drinks and an assortment of caffienated sodas. The whole way there I let the lazyhawk rest proudly atop my head and receieved concerned look after concerned look. Being out of town certainly made me appreciate this little sordid city. It was nearly impossible to top friday night anyway. I kept hearing hushed queries of "who's Holiday Sail?!" Believe me that they knew who we were after we played. I saw Rachel Dratch standing in the crowd. Yes, the SNL Rachel Dratch. Which was funny because I didn't know it was actually her. I just figured, oh well that chick really, REALLY looks like Rachel Dratch. And Billy Zane hung out with the Unit 7 Drain cats for a bit. I shook his hand saying, "Hey! Phantom! You're much more striking in person!" He kind of didn't know how to react. I don't blame him. ha ha.
- - - -
The last time Mogran came over she had a big ol' bag of saltwater taffy. She's just completely random and funny like that. I should have grabbed more caramel apple ones. They were the best.
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| Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
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11:22 pm - OoOoOoh! Good job! You want a medal for joining the human race?
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I'm glad to hear you're okay.
As to the rest of your drama:
*crickets*
Anything else you need to say, you know where I am.
peace.
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| Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
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10:27 pm - "dude, whatever..."
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Is all I wanna say about people who won't call you back.
In other news, I guess I'm bumming out my boss. He called me up genuinely worried and I just told him point blank that I was sick of our current project and that I was just waiting until we moved onto another. And then I proceeded to tell him that stuff in my personal life was all whacked out and I was pretty much just sick of it all.
Which is true. I'm sick of this job, I'm sick of not having any money. I'm sick of living in this town. I'm sick of people I love who don't give a fuck about me. I'm sick of my shitty apartment. I'm sick of not having any food or being able to do anything fun in general most of the time.
I'm just frustrated with it all. And while I'd lke to change it, there are just some aspects I can't do shit about. Plus, I have to kind of keep working on the band. At this point it's the only I really have that makes me happy. And with the incredible strides that The Dollyrots have made I feel the need to really give this band everything I have before I ever call it quits. At least one excellent album and a tour. After that we'll see what happens.
*massive sigh*
So now I'm going to nerd out and wait to fall asleep.
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| Monday, August 20th, 2007
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11:42 pm - Thoughts before I crash....
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Sometimes there are people in my life that I don't know what to do with. I wish that wouldn't happen anymore. It's really tiring.
This band is going to be the death of me. We have too many shows in too many states real soon and we're not practicing enough. GARGH!
I want to make going out to Burt's every Thursday a regular thing. I like the dancing, even if I do look hideous. I shouldn't say that, Navi's friend complimented my moves. Still Vix gave me the ol' stank eye across the room that said, "Rob, you're spazzing, seriously dude, stop, it hurts."
Still riding the wave out of the ditch. I think I understand better what's been going on with me. I tried to run away from something, but it caught up with me.
Someday I'll forgive myself for what I've done to you.
Work seems like an appalling annoyance lately. I'm left speechless at how much I hate my job right now. It'll get better, I'm just sick of it all right now.
On saturday night I slept in a hammock outside on a mountain and watched shooting stars before I fell asleep. It was pretty fucking rad.
I think about her everyday.
And life keeps moving.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Little Time Bomb - Billy Bragg
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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11:58 pm - The internets are back! Tidbits and tidbats! This one's dedicated to Jex!
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Yes indeed! I'm back online!
- - - -
Songs that make me sad lately:
1. I'm Going To Stop Pretending I Didn't Break Your Heart - Eels
2. I'll Come Running Back To You - Sam Cooke
3. Leaving On A Jet Plane - John Denver
4. Watch Me Go (Kissed Me, Killed Me) - The Dollyrots
5. I Found A Reason - Velvet Underground
6. I'm Coming Home - Otis Redding
7. Nobody's Nothing - Owen
8. Tell It Like It Is - Aaron Neville
9. Every Thing Must Go! - (the) Weakerthans
10. Goodbye Little Darlin' - Johnny Cash
+ + + + +
I think I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that at this point in my life, Jex is my best friend. She's been there so many times for me. I hope I've been there for her.
I guess I've known her for about six years or so. She's smart and a fuckin' badass artist and funny and is always stealing my thoughts. And she wants me to do something in Miami or something, I have to be a certified something or rather...
Anyway, Jex this one's for you! *drinks filtered water* Refreshing!
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| Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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2:24 pm - ...at the end of my rope not sure if anyone's there to catch me...
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My heart is breaking.
I can't believe I'm actually typing, I've been writing the goodbye letter for several hours and I'm still not done. I'm not done wading through the memories. I'm not done with all the things I have to say before I let it all go and move on. Move on... I'm not even sure to what. I guess just worrying about myself.
I just need to keep doing something, keep moving, keep myself busy or else... or else, I don't know. I just wish you could have made up your mind. I wish you would tell me the truth. I wish this wouldn't happen again. I wish it could've gone differently. I wish I didn't have to lose you.
But I did.
Two times in two years. It's no wonder I've lost so much weight. Maybe by the next one I'll disappear.
I can't be in my skin right now.
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| Monday, August 6th, 2007
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10:10 pm - Morphine - "In Spite of Me"
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Last night I told a stranger all about you. They smiled patiently with disbelief.
I always knew you would succeed no matter what you tried.
...and I know you did it all in spite of me.
Still I'm proud to have known you for the short time that I did.
Glad to have been a step up on your way. Proud to be part of your illustrious career.
...and I know you did it all in spite of me.
Late last night I saw you in my living room. You seemed so close but yet so cold.
For a long time I thought that you'd be coming back to me. Those kind of thoughts can be so cruel.
So cruel...
...and I know you did it all in spite of me
In spite of me...
current mood: sad
current music: Morphine - "In Spite of Me"
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| Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
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12:19 am - I hate it when my phone doesn't ring...
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Because oftimes I miss a call from someone I really, REALLY wanna talk to. Shitty Verizon.
Sigh. And my interwebs are out, too. Jebus knows for how long this time. I need to stop being a bum and get some DSL. Or some kind of interwebs access.
It's been a long day and long week and tomorrow's going to be long too. Who'da thunk it?!
current mood:  cranky
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| Friday, July 27th, 2007
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5:33 pm - Dude...
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If you've seen Band of Brothers you can get an idea of how the military functioned during World War II. You get an idea of how well the soldiers where treated. When supply lines where in operation, troops could be filed in and out, as well as food, ammo and the like. The inujured would be rushed to the closest operation room. Your time on the front line was controlled so you could get rest, recover and fight another day. I'm not saying it was easy, far from it, but the American government and military were there to watch for their boys. People who are willing to fight for you should be treated the best. You had the VA (Veterans Affairs) as your own personalized socialist health care plan for anything pertaining to your health as a result of your time served in the military. Those that survived in WWII had something after their service, even if it was just a job. I mean, as far as I know... but still.
The Pat Tillman thing really bums me out. If the scenario of him being murdered in Afghanistan because of the fear that he was going to finish his tour and be a high-profile dissident about "The War On Terror" and The Bush Administration is true (I personally have no doubt it is) it shows how corrupt The US Government has become and how it has affected The Military. It's sad.
[Insert your own thoughts about what should be done with this Administration here]
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| Monday, July 23rd, 2007
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7:53 pm - Now it's time to let out a full body sigh of resignation.
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While I love looking at all the road behind me, I've never been able to handle not being able to see what's ahead.
Perhaps, that's why I've never been a real risk taker, unless it's something completely self-destructive. I can deal with destroying myself.
I don't like that guy much anyway.
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| Monday, July 16th, 2007
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12:50 am - Before I pass out...
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I just have to say that despite my cynicism and complete frustration with life, there are moments that make it all worth it. Like being able to see a really kick ass movie with a really kick ass person.
Especially if she smells good.
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| Sunday, July 15th, 2007
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4:13 am - Does anyone even read this thing anymore?
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I know a couple of people do. I'm not sure that it really matters if anyone does read this. If nothing else this journal is just a good way to keep a record of the thoughts that run through my head I want publicly known.
All these memories swim around in my head and the only thing I can really ask myself is, "What was it all for?" The pain, the fights, missed oppurtunities, plans I made, friends I had and the life that'll never be. What the fuck was it all for? I'm not sure that I know. All I wanna do is smash something. But I won't. I'll just sit and listen to music and think about the ghost of what should have been.
This is post-show Rob. Sitting alone, just wondering. No girls nor drugs nor Rock'n'roll. Just me. It's fucking pathetic. No after-parties. No one to wake up to. Just me.
But there's a glimmer of hope on the horizon. There's always hope. There has to be or else I imagine we'd all quit this hi-fucking-larious mindfuck of an existence. A Universe that likes to fuck with you for fun. Ha ha ha! A Prankster Universe!
Frankly, if I had the power to end the Universe, I would. For being an asshole. See who's laughing then. I guess no one would, because laughter would not exist. Nothing would.
Yeah I know, sounds boring. But drugged-up whores, while exciting, are really not all that much fun and are quite tedious. I guess we make our choices. You can't tell the future and such is life and blah blah blah and all that horse-shit nonsense platitude crap people spew so they don't have to deal with the reality that you're on a boat in the middle of the ocean all by yourself. That's life.
I guess that's what makes it all so appealing while on those choppy, lonely waters, is the hope that you'll run into someone out there at sea and maybe for a moment you'll bump boats and make a connection. It's the kind of connection that only comes out of really understanding someone. Like when you truly communicate something to another person or how you can talk to a person close to you without saying a word. That's what it all used to be; conversations 'til 4 in the morning, watching TV together after work, knowing someone wondered where you were and you wondered the same. That's living life.
I guess those days are over for me, for now. I just have to take care of myself and keep my eyes where sky meets the water.
...then I can fuck it up all over again. Go me!
current mood: cynical
current music: "Monument" - Mirah
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| Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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12:43 am - final thought
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After hours in the sun, on a roof, I turned to the city I really, really like and for a moment, I felt like I had failed someone. It took two people telling me otherwise and a handful of phone calls to calm myself down. For the first time, in a long time, I didn't feel as guilty. Honestly, I think I've been racked with guilt. Because at one time there was a caring person. I know it was there, I saw it. I never would have had anything to do with it if I hadn't seen that. But that person is gone, dead, a ghost. If I knew it would be like this for you, I'd have never bothered all those years ago. It hasn't been easy to hear about, so I stopped calling. Because talking to you or mistaking someone for you when I'm downtown makes me physically ill. And today on that roof, in the sun, I got hear about the worst of my fears and how they came true. And I was sad.
More disturbing is that I was disappointed in you. Things finally solidified for me today. Now I know why you won't call me back. I think its for the better. Because I don't want to know anything about you, anymore. In fact, after today I don't really want to know you, not because I hate you, but because you're running. I don't know from what, sadness, pain, loneliness... And you're killing what's left of that person I once knew.
I looked out at the city I love today and just let go as much of it as I could in one day. I pushed through work, distraught and with a heavy heart. And though the news wasn't all bad today, it's just the beginning of goodbye.
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| Friday, July 6th, 2007
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7:51 pm - I never read it...
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Which is a lie, because I'm a liar. I'm not perfect.
And when hostility rears its ugly head, unfortunately everyone gets a taste.
Hostility usually spawns from some other place, usually from the heart of the source.
And for some reason, lately, I realized I've had this quiet sadness gnawing at the base of my neck. He's just wearing me out day after day.
Then I think maybe we're not perfect. Then I realize, I don't see me in your perfect world and that bums me out.
If these wounds weren't self-inflicted they would hurt a lot less. And I almost love the word jest.
And I know you're not perfect, who the fuck is. And I miss it all for what it was, a perfect mess.
But I digress and offer all apologies and may The Mother Bless.
Maybe someday we'll laugh at all the bad times. Here's hoping. Because maybe all we truly have is hope.
...the path of least resistance. "Not if I love you," he said.
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| Saturday, June 30th, 2007
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10:26 pm - It feels pretty good to have my life back again.
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I can't bring myself to go out tonight. I'm just way too tired. I've blown a cool 75.00+ dollars this weekend already enjoying my life at the bars.
Thursday night sounded like it was going to be just a couple of buds and some good beer. It turned into a pool-shootin' multi-bar beer orgy. It was fantastic. I knew a shit-ton of people and I got some free drinks; did pretty good at pool and danced my ass off.
Friday wasn't as fantastic until I hit the pit at the Launchpad. I had only gotten three hours of sleep the night before so I was taking it easy last night. But somehow I managed to spend the rest of the evening looking above the houses over a hookah lounge. Sometimes my life is pretty magical.
All in all it was a fun time for sure. And apparently Gary passed out halfway in his car. I had a lot of memories come back as I remembered a life I used to have. I was working in AZ and on the weekends I'd come home. What usually would happen on Fridays is, I'd pass out from exhaustion or I'd go straight downtown to be with my peoples. It was all about good music and good people. And of course getting drunk and enjoying every minute of it. I had to keep my friends close in those days because I was gone all week.
I get a call after work the other day about a four million dollar commercial project we're about to get started on. To top that off we have several houses ready to go up. It worries me because my time seems so tight as it is. And now that I can have a life I don't know if I'll be able to handle one, once the projects start up.
Every second of every day is going to count soon. Damnit. I like being lazy...
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| Friday, June 29th, 2007
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2:11 am - Where are you?
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I hope you're okay and happy tonight. I don't know why I write this, it's just I need to know you're ok.
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